Duty Sex in Relationships: What It Is & How to Break the Cycle

Have you never heard of “duty sex”? We hadn’t either, but after reading about it, we see this problem in our practice. In a more tightly defined way, duty sex is associated with specific past negative sexual experiences. Still, in a broader sense, duty sex is something almost all of us have probably experienced at one time or another. Let’s examine what duty sex is, how it can affect your relationship, and how to change it. 

What is Duty Sex?

Duty sex, as the name implies, is where people engage in sex not because they want to but because they feel obligated to. Here are some of the characteristics of duty sex:

• Having sex stems from feeling pressured or fear of disappointing a partner.

• A belief that duty sex is a normal part of a relationship.

• Research shows that many women who report duty sex have experienced non-consensual sexual events such as sexual pressure or assault.

• Duty sex is linked to issues like pain, low desire, and dissatisfaction.

• Women reporting better sexual function, such as higher arousal, lubrication, and orgasm scores,  are more likely to engage in sex for pleasure or intimacy. Conversely, women with lower satisfaction and higher sexual pain were more likely to report duty sex as a motive.

• Traditional gender roles often place the responsibility of initiating sex on men, leading some women to feel obligated to comply even if they are not in the mood.

• Societal pressure to maintain a "healthy" sexual relationship within a heterosexual partnership can contribute to women feeling like they "should" engage in sex even when they don't want to.

• In some heterosexual relationships, power imbalances can lead to one partner feeling pressured to engage in sex against their will.

• In same-sex relationships, a mismatch in sexual desire can lead to duty sex from the low sexual desire partner.

• Societal pressures regarding the expected frequency of sex can lead to duty sex from both partners. 

Duty Sex: When Intimacy Feels Like an Obligation

Why Do Women Have Duty Sex?

Sexual mores are changing, but slowly. Studies suggest that up to one-half of women are not satisfied with how often they reach orgasm. Here are some reasons women have duty sex:

• Many women still feel it is their job to satisfy a male partner because men NEED sex.

• A person has duty sex to avoid conflict or to avoid hurting feelings.

• Having duty sex is easier than dealing with a partner’s feelings of rejection.

• Fear of abandonment in the relationship.

• Not knowing how to talk about differing needs or sexual preferences

• A feeling of helplessness about how to solve the problem perpetuates the practice.

  
  

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How to Address Duty Sex in Relationships

Relationships and sex are complicated. Conflict and lack of communication are a part of any relationship. However, duty sex can have a significant negative impact on intimacy, self-esteem, trust, and mood. Women who have duty sex report feelings of irritability, distress, hopelessness, and guilt. Addressing duty sex won’t be easy, and the remedy is dependent upon the causes.

Sex Therapy

A sex therapist is a licensed professional who can help with the mental or emotional aspects of sex-related issues. They have a thorough understanding of human sexuality and use psychotherapy to help you work through sexual issues. Sex therapists work with individuals and romantic/sexual partners. Convincing your partner to engage with a sex therapist could be challenging and will require some honest conversations before broaching the subject.

Individual Therapy

In some cases, relationship issues related to communication and trust require a psychotherapist who may not specialize in sex therapy. If someone has a history of abuse, this can be a valuable way to start the process of healing before moving on. If you have a partner who refuses to see a therapist with you, it is not unusual for one partner to pursue individual therapy even though attending together is preferable. 

Couples Therapy

Couples therapists help couples in the following ways:

• Facilitating more open communication

• Identifying behavioral patterns that may be creating conflict

• Teaching conflict resolution skills

• Assessing relationship dynamics

• Setting goals

• Offering support and guidance as couples navigate challenging conversations and feelings

Hormone Replacement

Hormonal fluctuations during perimenopause and menopause can wreak havoc on women’s sexual desire and ability to orgasm. A drop in estrogen and testosterone can exacerbate existing disparities in sexual desire, leading to duty sex. Here are some ways hormone replacement can help.

• Hormone replacement helps with vaginal dryness, reducing painful penetration.

• Testosterone and estrogen replacement have been shown to increase sexual desire and ability to orgasm.

• Hormone replacement can increase energy and improve sleep, leading to a greater desire for intimacy.

• Hormone replacement improves mood. Depression and anxiety adversely affect sexual desire. 

  
  

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Putting it all Together

Breaking patterns of sexual conflict or dissatisfaction isn’t easy. The longer time goes on, the harder duty sex can be to address, but having open and honest communication is a good place to start. Most of us want to please our partners, which sometimes can feel like a compromise or sacrifice, which isn’t necessarily bad. However, if you find yourself in a consistent pattern of having sexual intimacy because it is expected of you, it might be time to examine more closely the reasons why.  

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